We’ve spent the last few days debating the hottest sex scenes ever to grace the big screen, being the committed lot that we are here at Chulo Magazine. Not only that, but which ones can teach us how to be better in bed? You should check out our top 10 sex scenes below.
Why, you ask? Because you have nothing to be ashamed of if you’re watching it for educational purposes, you smutty lot.
Friends With Benefits (2011)
Who: Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake
What: Essentially, two of the world’s most attractive people get freaky for a few hours and keep us guessing whether they’ll get together or not. They obviously do because it’s a rom-com, but they also have a lot of sex and we get a peek of Mila’s gorgeous boobs along the way.
What we learnt: Having a no-strings-attached sexy friend can be okay in the short run. However, unless you want it to become a Facebook official thing, you should probably avoid it in the long run. On a less sexual note, we learnt that flash mobs are dead simple to organise.
Bridesmaids (2011)
Who: Kristen Wiig and John Haam
What: Thirty-seven seconds of Wiig and Haam proper going at it, with Hamm giving a running, very non-erotic commentary.
What we learnt: To start with, just because you do a variety of postures doesn’t really mean that the girl will be interested. Second, you can indeed talk too fucking much. No man should ever say, ‘I’m driving the car’ mid-shag, unless he is a master of the art of dirty talk, or has the gravelly voice of Issac Hayes.
Skyfall (2012)
Who: Daniel Craig and Bernice Merlohe
What: Before taking down the bad guys, James Bond acts all James Bond and sneaks into Bernice Merlohe’s shower for a short nookie session.
What we learnt: If you’re a secret agent, sneaking into a woman’s boat and strolling into her shower stark-bollock-naked isn’t always creepy. However, if you’re not (and you probably aren’t) and you don’t want to end up in Greystone Park or Broadmoor, it’s usually in your best interests to talk about it first, or at the very least lay the foundation.
9 Songs (2005)
Who: Kieran O’Brien and Margo Stilley
What: This is an indie arthouse film directed by Michael Winterbottom, which basically means it’s a porno with a good soundtrack that you can put on your DVD rack*. The film is essentially one big hardcore sexfest with dead cool indie music thrown in for good measure.
What we learnt: Not a whole hell of a lot, to be honest, other than the fact that having a real cum shot in a movie that was released in cinemas is apparently OK. That, and possibly that, concerts are great places to meet girls, and you don’t have to leave soaked in piss and lager every time.
Showgirls (1995)
Who: Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan
What: Jessie from Saved By The Bell fulfils a thousand 90s teenagers’ dreams by showing her boobs and getting freaky in a pool with Dale Cooper (or Paul Atreides for you Dune fans).
What we learnt: Whilst having sex in a pool may sound like a great idea, it’s probably gonna be tough, if you don’t regularly exercise your core muscles. Also, if the girl you’re with starts convulsing like she just grabbed an electric fence, don’t freak out. It’s just the way some chicks are.
Secretary (2002)
Who: Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader
What: Maggie Gyllenhaal sets out on a quest to unleash her inner S&M vixen. Spankings and crawling on all fours in very short skirts are the order of the day.
What we learnt: That no matter your vice, there is someone for everyone, even if your vice involves sexual gratification via emotional and physical humiliation. It all works out all right in the end. Also, masturbation at work is acceptable, sometimes.
Monster’s Ball (2001)
Who: Halle Berry and Billy-Bob Thornton
What: Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton get sexy in a living room, causing a slew of rumours about whether or not they did the devil’s tango.
What we learnt: Off-the-cuff living room sex is fantastic, as long as you don’t mind rug burns. It’s also cinematic proof that good sex can cure you if you’re a major racist like Billy Bob Thornton’s character Hank Grotowski, and that it can help you overcome racial tension.
American Pie (1999)
Who: Jason Biggs and Shannon Elizabeth
What: Okay, so it’s not exactly a sex scene in that Jason Biggs never quite closes the deal, since Shannon Elizabeth is so fricking hot. Nonetheless, this scene is still pretty legendary, and for better or worse, undoubtedly influenced the sexual endeavours of a generation.
What we learnt: That anyone, even the uber-cringeworthy Jason Biggs, can pull off a ridiculously hot chick. Not only that, but even the best of us can experience spontaneous premature ejaculation, and you can rebound from it… In due time. And only if you don’t make it public on the internet.
Spring Breakers (2013)
Who: Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson and James Franco
What: James Franco lives the dream and has a sexy three-way that would most likely never happen to anybody else in real life, but we all wish it could.
What we learnt: Carpe that motherfucking Diem. When life offers you an olive branch, grab it with both hands. Especially when that olive branch is actually two unbelievably attractive women in the form of Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson. Spring Break also looks awesome and should be a worldwide event.
Team America: World Police (2004)
Who: Two random-ass puppets that apparently aren’t Barbie or Ken
What: In the funniest, anything-goes, extreme sex scene we’ve ever seen with puppets, two puppets unleash their inner sex beasts.
What we learnt: That whatever lights your candle, floats your boat, or tickles your pickle, almost anything is acceptable in the moment, from acrobatic positions to, erm… actually shitting on each other (if you’re watching the original unedited version).
WORST SEX SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF FUCKING EVER
Deliverance (1972)
Who: Ned Beatty and some horrible hillbilly types
What: In the most horrifying way possible, Beatty is invaded by two toothless hillbillies. There’s nothing erotic or right about this at all.
What we learnt: Never go camping or chat to somebody who doesn’t have teeth and lives in the woods.
*Yeah, we still watch DVDs. Get the hell over it.
